Well, my friends, we’ve fallen off the nest.
I don’t quite know how to articulate the pain of losing a child that I’ve never met, someone who I only know through two pink lines, bone-weary exhaustion and hope. But what I do know about this soul is that he will live forever in the Kingdom of God, eternally. Hub & I desire baptism for all of our miscarried children, and just as Christ taught that the faith of the friends saved the paralytic, we are hopeful that our faith and desire for them has baptized them into the Family of God.
I have no doubt that life begins at conception: no life, no cell division–that much we know. We believe that our children are persons from the very first cellular moment (and no, I don’t mean “Can you hear me now?”). They are small, and hidden, but they are uniquely alive. My friend, Sue, has that wonderful Dr. Seuss quote on her blog, “A person’s a person no matter how small”. I know many women who can tell you that there is a definite personality on the inside that is plain as day once they are born; I experienced this with all three of my full-term babies, who have only grown in the personalities that they shared on the inside.
There is speculation that I have low progesterone, which can make it darn near impossible to maintain a pregnancy. This little one caught us completely by surprise; after losing Pio in February, we wanted to give my body a break and find out what exactly is going on with me via the Pope Paul VI Institute in Omaha. And then there was Thomas…and then there wasn’t. So now we are really wondering what in the world is going on and are very anxious to get to our new duty station to get the ball rolling on figuring this out.
But for now, I am numb. The emotional highs of this wonderful little surprise that wasn’t even on our radar to begin with, then the lows of losing him, all in the midst of packers and movers. Misery with an audience; not so much my cup of tea, but so be it.
I should say, too, that we don’t care one iota about having a certain number of children, and we’re not in a race to have as many as we can before we can’t anymore. It’s not about what we can do, but about what God can do through us, whether that is many more children or not even one more, it’s about saying yes to His will for us, whatever that may be.
To our family and friends, thank you for all of your love and prayers, whether it be joy or sorrow. To know of your love and prayers is more than enough, making us unbelievably blessed. Thank you, thank you.
For our children who we’ll never meet in this life, we are lovably bound together, safe in the arms of the Body of Christ. The veil may be opaque, but it is very thin, and I know that they are there and I love them all very dearly: Rose, Mary, Pio & Thomas. Pray for us, dear children, that we can see you all someday, and that I will hold your sweet faces in my hands and kiss your cheek one by one, bathed in the glory and love of the Beatific Vision.